Life
Thoughts
I thought I could just make this post into my #2 post but I have decided that since I am free, I might as well spend my time into writing this post about studying abroad.
I have been studying abroad for almost two years now, although it is not too far away in the global sense, it is far enough in the sense that it is a hassle to go home frequent. Ever since I started high school, I have had the dream of studying abroad to countries that I have never been to, although my only study-abroad destination back then was only Japan.
In the end, I realised my dream of studying abroad and it was nothing really like what I have expected - getting to know many foreign students and having fun studying and enjoying a picturesque life, nothing like that. I have been in the comfort of my home ever since I am born, I do not have to think about food, money, daily routines and stuff, everything is scheduled properly for me and I only had to follow it and everything would go just fine.
Ever since I came to study in Taiwan, I have been battling with many anxieties that I have since this island nation has (almost) everything that defied my expectations - it's not as clean as I thought it is, people here are not as friendly as I thought it is, food here is not as friendly as I thought it is, it is not as developed as I thought it is. Sure, some may beg to differ or even dispute what I am saying here, but this is purely my own feelings about this country and it doesn't and shouldn't matter to anyone else, especially those taking offence for it.
Point is, I was so anxious about everything that defied my expectations and I had some hard time trying to make myself used to the new environment there, luckily I had some mental support and over time, I was able to get used to it and be more independent in facing many problems here and stuff.
Being Homesick
I went back to Malaysia for the first time in May 2018 since I went to Taiwan, it was for the election, so I had the opportunity to go back home for a little while.
I went back home alone at that time and it was a crushing moment when I entered my home. It was empty, the air is dead, it was dirty, it feels like it was deserted. It was crushing to me to see that scene because for all of my life, the house has been clean and it was always filled with human activities and the voice of my grandma. But this time, there's none.
I started rewinding my memories back to the previous year before I went to Taiwan, I remember my grandma always keeping stuff into boxes and covering many things - to prepare to move out of the home to my uncle's after me and my brother went to Taiwan. I started to understand how she felt when she was keeping all the stuff, the sorrow, the anxiety of moving to a new place, and the loneliness above all - to leave the place she has been calling home for almost 30 years and having to say goodbye to everything. It must've been hard for her, and I didn't understand it back then.
I was there, standing in the middle of an empty house, feeling crushed from all of the feelings.
The thing about studying abroad is, besides the usual perspective-opening and experience-gaining part, is that it brings out something about myself that I haven't known before. I never thought I would feel homesick, I never knew how much I love my grandma up till the day when I felt the heartache because I couldn't spend time with her. It brought out the part of me that I had never thought I had.
If I had not started studying abroad, I wouldn't have started appreciating many of the things that I have always taken lightly of.
Soon I will be going back to Taiwan after spending a month back at home, no matter how much I am unwilling to return back to Taiwan, I had to. At least I will see my grandma again soon, this time she's going to Taiwan.
About Studying Abroad
I have been studying abroad for almost two years now, although it is not too far away in the global sense, it is far enough in the sense that it is a hassle to go home frequent. Ever since I started high school, I have had the dream of studying abroad to countries that I have never been to, although my only study-abroad destination back then was only Japan.
In the end, I realised my dream of studying abroad and it was nothing really like what I have expected - getting to know many foreign students and having fun studying and enjoying a picturesque life, nothing like that. I have been in the comfort of my home ever since I am born, I do not have to think about food, money, daily routines and stuff, everything is scheduled properly for me and I only had to follow it and everything would go just fine.
Ever since I came to study in Taiwan, I have been battling with many anxieties that I have since this island nation has (almost) everything that defied my expectations - it's not as clean as I thought it is, people here are not as friendly as I thought it is, food here is not as friendly as I thought it is, it is not as developed as I thought it is. Sure, some may beg to differ or even dispute what I am saying here, but this is purely my own feelings about this country and it doesn't and shouldn't matter to anyone else, especially those taking offence for it.
Point is, I was so anxious about everything that defied my expectations and I had some hard time trying to make myself used to the new environment there, luckily I had some mental support and over time, I was able to get used to it and be more independent in facing many problems here and stuff.
Being Homesick
This is the thing that I have really not expected. I have never thought that I am a person that can feel homesick since I haven't been exactly a family-centric kind of person, or so I thought. I remember myself leaving the bus terminal in Ipoh with my grandma sending me away, I'd always remember how she looked sad to send me away with tears in her eyes. For all my life, my grandma has been a very strong person and I have seen her cried once when my grandpa passed away more than 17 years ago and that was the only time. The second time was at the moment she sent me away. I knew if I'd ever felt homesick, it will be because of my grandma.
The first two months of me in Taiwan went well because it felt more like a vacation for me since everything is new and I am still trying to adapting to many different new things in that new environment.
The first time I felt homesick was on my grandma's birthday on 11th November that year. I was in Taiwan, I couldn't be with her and thought of her feeling lonely over there back in Malaysia. I thought of how much shorter and weaker she had become over the years. Grandma is getting old.
It hurts when I had that thought in my mind and I wanted to spend some time with her, caring for her and have a good dinner with her to make her happy that night but distance made it impossible for me to do so. It was hurting to think that I might not have a lot of time left to spend with her because let's be honest, she is getting old. That day I knew, that I might be a little family-centric after all.
I went back to Malaysia for the first time in May 2018 since I went to Taiwan, it was for the election, so I had the opportunity to go back home for a little while.
I went back home alone at that time and it was a crushing moment when I entered my home. It was empty, the air is dead, it was dirty, it feels like it was deserted. It was crushing to me to see that scene because for all of my life, the house has been clean and it was always filled with human activities and the voice of my grandma. But this time, there's none.
I started rewinding my memories back to the previous year before I went to Taiwan, I remember my grandma always keeping stuff into boxes and covering many things - to prepare to move out of the home to my uncle's after me and my brother went to Taiwan. I started to understand how she felt when she was keeping all the stuff, the sorrow, the anxiety of moving to a new place, and the loneliness above all - to leave the place she has been calling home for almost 30 years and having to say goodbye to everything. It must've been hard for her, and I didn't understand it back then.
I was there, standing in the middle of an empty house, feeling crushed from all of the feelings.
The thing about studying abroad is, besides the usual perspective-opening and experience-gaining part, is that it brings out something about myself that I haven't known before. I never thought I would feel homesick, I never knew how much I love my grandma up till the day when I felt the heartache because I couldn't spend time with her. It brought out the part of me that I had never thought I had.
If I had not started studying abroad, I wouldn't have started appreciating many of the things that I have always taken lightly of.
Soon I will be going back to Taiwan after spending a month back at home, no matter how much I am unwilling to return back to Taiwan, I had to. At least I will see my grandma again soon, this time she's going to Taiwan.
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| A sunset view of my school |
You're gonna be fine in Taiwan. Make grandma proud, ok?
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